Irreconcilable differences

24 May

Here’s a partial list of seemingly irreconcilable differences between me and my wife:

1. She refuses to put the bowls in the dishwasher in what I have again and again demonstrated is the most efficient fashion.

2. I simply refuse to rinse silverware and plates before putting them into the dishwasher. I mean, why wash your dishes by hand if your dishwasher will wash them for you? Plus, the time I spend re-washing silverware is orders of magnitude less than the time I would spend rinsing every dish.

3. I feed baby water from my glass. My wife wants to take everything that is glass out of our apartment until baby is 15.

4. I think it’s ok not to be watching baby every second. My wife thinks that if I leave him in his room unattended, he will pull the bookshelf down on his head and die. If I leave him in our bedroom, he will find our (unplugged) shredder and shred his hands in it. If I leave him in the bathroom, he will find razor blades and eat them, etc.

5. I don’t care about which school/kindergarten/pre-school/”two’s-program” baby attends. Baby mama thinks I am insane, don’t care about baby’s education, am high on crack. If anyone can show me any evidence at all that these early programs correlate with any educational outcome (other than ‘getting into the next level of competitive institution’), I will change my tune. She has shifted in response to this to an emphasis on ‘supportive and stimulating environment that baby will feel comfortable in,’ but I remain unconvinced.

6. I constantly interrupt my partner in conversation. There is no argument here, she’s just right on this one, 100%.

7. She won’t eat condiments. I think most foods are simply conveyances for condiments.

8. I don’t believe in having a ‘side of the bed.’ Wife believes the side closest to door and most convenient should always be hers. Equity demands switching off sides. Her position is unreasonable and insane.

9. I believe in giving baby whole raspberries. My darling wife believes that if food is larger than a centimeter, it needs to be cut up. We can of course all agree this is going to lead to an adult who is unable to eat foods unless someone else cuts it up into tiny pieces for him.

10. My wife believes in compliments. If America runs on Dunkin’, my wife runs on appreciation. I believe compliments are for suckers. Words are wind, says George RR, and he’s right!

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2 Responses to “Irreconcilable differences”

  1. Erica May 31, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    Crazy wife. I hear she’s great at Connect Four though.

  2. Ivy June 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

    At least your wife is cool enough that she allows you to blog about her. The result in our household would be divorce…or at least a hearty tongue-lashing.

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