Back to work – can you even avoid feeling bad about this shit?

17 Jan

So tomorrow is the first day of the new semester, and that means that I’m going back to work. We have had a good bit of time together, since the baby was born, where we have been dual-teaming the baby tasks. I’ve been up at the 11pm, the 2am, the 5am feedings, getting water, doing diaper changes. I’ve been a ‘dear man.’

But all that is beginning to change. A couple days ago, I woke up feeling the beginnings of a cold, and baby mama has responded by allowing me to sleep more and sleep through some of the feedings. I’ve been soothing the baby just as I normally would, and changing diapers and whatnot as normal. But my childcare duties have, in my humble estimation, been cut from something like 37% (where you max out, if your partner is breastfeeding) to something more like 28%. Last night I think I may have had 5-6 hours of interrupted sleep, which is kind of huge. And baby mama has been changing diapers on top of all that.

Interestingly, I am feeling like crap about this. I know it’s going to get a bit worse, too, once I’m formally back at work. We have a relationship predicated on strong forms of equality, and that is tipping out the window a bit. And neither of us is really ready to manage this change. So in the face of offers to sleep, I’m sitting up on the sofa at 4am watching baby mama breastfeed and chatting about the weather, because of the guilt of actually sleeping. I know, right? Get on over it, privileged dude, and at least take advantage of the gift that is being offered.

How people do this without feeling like assholes, I have no idea.


One Response to “Back to work – can you even avoid feeling bad about this shit?”

  1. Ivy January 20, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

    Have been meaning to call for the past few days but keep getting waylaid (sp?) by various things. How has the back-to-work been? Thinking of you guys, will call soon.

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