Crapshoot

11 Jan

The last few diaper changes have been interesting, as we try to implement new practices around diaper rash:

A change you can believe in

The last three times she changed him, he projectile pooped at her just as she was changing the diaper. And she turns to me with a kind of annoyed look and asked me why I thought the kid was shitting at her. Like somehow I’ve been feeding him ideas. Or feeding him. My guess is that this is all random chance, but maybe not. He doesn’t shit at me often – for me, he’s much more likely to take aim and try to pee at my face. The last time he missed me and got the wall. Plus, I only grab him by the one leg, while babymama likes to grab both his legs and lift them up to get at the diaper. She’s probably giving him a jumpstart.

This would all be funny if it weren’t coming after a month of sleep deprivation. I think the cosmic joke is to make you so tired that at some point you utter the angry words at your partner: “No, I’m not going to do a whole load of wash for this one thing, it only has a little bit of poop on it!” I’m satisfied with just a little bit of poop. No pun intended, but this shit is degrading. And meanwhile, the little emperor continues to cry his bloody head off as if somehow we’re conspiring to kill him, instead of cleaning up his mess. There is just no justice with a newborn (and wait, is he still a newborn after he has his 1-month birthday on Thursday?!).

Oh, and on yet another unrelated note, my daring wife purchased a few new tops for the kid, which she loves. Snap-around kimono-style shirts, with little covers for his little hands so he doesn’t keep trying to rake-claw her breasts during feeding. Of course, our child no longer wears pants. Yes, that’s right, our baby used to be all about the plain white onesie, and he is now living a nice-top, pants-free lifestyle. With just a little poop.

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7 Responses to “Crapshoot”

  1. Ivy January 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    Awww, look at you! A month ago, pre-baby, you were all grossed out at mere -pictures- of poop. Now you’re defending dirty laundry with “only a little bit of poop”! I’m so proud, and would like to welcome you to the universal fellowship of parents. You’re now official.

    PS – when diaper-changing in the early days, we would strategically place a tissue to avoid being peed upon. I believe there is some sort of product called a “pee pee tee pee,” but we went the old-fashioned way.

    PPS – Yes, he’ll no longer be a newborn. After month 1, he’s officially an infant, which he ceases to be at 1 year. I think maybe he’s a toddler after that?

  2. Peter January 12, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    Still totally grossed out, not even close to wanting membership in your insane, misbegotten fellowship. Just edgy from lack of sleep.

    Also, colleague tells me that it’s a straightforward consideration about the peeing. Baby has an erection, baby is about to pee. Leave it to my lesbian friends to figure out the obvious shortcuts to our baby boy’s urinary system.

  3. Alan January 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

    The answer I give my darling wife multiple times a day, to almost any question that begins with “why” (e.g. why isn’t she sleeping, why is she already hungry, why do you think she likes this boob more than that one, etc), is “because she’s a baby”. Preferably in some foreign accent. That solves most debates. Might have helped you when your darling asked why your kid is shitting at you.

  4. Peter January 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    Answers that deliberately exclude rational explanations in my household are more likely to result in a spectrum of responses from withering looks to hostile retorts. To the extent that this would ‘solve’ the debate, you are right. But not helpful. With the foreign accent especially, I’m surprised your darling wife doesn’t throw the diapers at you, then explain it’s ‘because I’m sleepy.’ With an Italian accent…

  5. livingoutsidethescreen January 13, 2011 at 11:27 pm #

    Will end soon. They don’t constantly poop forever. Soon, he’ll just tell you he hates you and you are the worst parent ever verbally.

  6. Peter January 14, 2011 at 10:31 am #

    he’ll just tell you he hates you and you are the worst parent ever verbally

    No, no, this will never happen. My son and I are going to be best friends!

  7. Ivy January 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Have been thinking about this…perhaps our babies are very different, but I was wondering about the timing of your diaper changes. We used to get the babe up, breastfeed, which – being a laxative – used to make baby poop. Then, after he pooped, we’d change his diaper, and since he’d already just pooped, he was less inclined to poop at us while the changing was happening. When exactly are you doing the changing?

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