Coming home from the hospital

16 Dec

People have been telling us that having a baby will wreak havoc on your marriage, but nothing so far. Well, sure, the day we took the baby home we had about 10 arguments. Baby mama’s constantly telling me to wash my hands, my telling her to cut it the hell out, who cares if germs get on our baby. My wanting to dress the kid in something light for the ride home, her wanting him dressed as an Eskimo. A friend bringing a snow suit to the hospital, implicitly validating the mother’s perspective. My saying that the car seat was fine, no need for the base. Her wanting to rent an M1 Abrams tank to take baby home.

So we are going home, with baby dressed in 5 layers and a jaunty hat, the car seat in its base, with a fur-lined fleece, my hands 3 times washed…

We called a car service to take us home. Hi, how’s it going, could you pick us up from the hospital, we are bringing home a newborn, please make sure the car has the latches we can attach to the car seat base. And they assure us, no problem. Then send the one car in the city with no latches. I almost tore the seats down looking for the latches. Shouting at the driver, man, you sent a car to a hospital after us asking about the latches, and no latches? You are insane. Insane! This is crazy! I will rip off your arms and beat you with them! I will punch you in your hair!

Then I took a breath, reminded myself that I hadn’t eaten all day and that dude in car probably wasn’t the source of my testiness. Then I strapped in the car seat like a normal human being, popped baby mama and the baby into the car, all our hospital crap into the trunk, and home home home.

Where the first 24 hours have thus far gone well. Baby up every 1.5-3 hours, closer to eating every 2 hours. But so far so good. Pediatrician today, to tell us what a gorgeous physical specimen Brooklyn Baby is. I mean, hellooooo? Apgar score 9/9? Obviously headed for greatness.


8 Responses to “Coming home from the hospital”

  1. Lisa December 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    LOL. Glad cooler heads prevailed with the car seat incident. I have a moniker nomination: BB or B. I like BB because of Brooklyn Baby and le bébé… is a moniker selection at all like a real name selection…in the sense that the name has the potential for being less appealing simply because one of the p’s-to-be didn’t come up with?

  2. Peter December 17, 2010 at 1:53 am #

    No no, I like BB. But the only thing in my neighborhood more common than Brooklyn Dad is Brooklyn Baby. I’m also tempted to moniker him Bilbo…actually BB works across multiple meanings.

  3. Davin December 18, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    Um, you know Apgars go to 10, right?

    Just kidding; Vanderlito was 9&9 too…

  4. Ivy December 18, 2010 at 3:44 pm #

    And, as I recall, someone once told us that they don’t really give out 10’s….unless you’re personal friends with the physician, and MD’s too, in which case everyone knows it’s not *really* a 10.

  5. Peter December 21, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Our kid was an 11. The two extra points are for going back to the hospital for the jaundice. He was so pink, he turned orange.

  6. Anonymous December 22, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    BB also works as Baby Benjamin.

  7. Peter December 22, 2010 at 9:37 pm #

    Well, sure it does, Anonymous. But I was hoping to, you know, keep the kid Anonymous. Or at least pseudonymous…

  8. livingoutsidethescreen December 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm #


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