Oh shit

8 Nov

This post is going to gross you out. And so, if you don’t want to be grossed out, move along. Move. Along.

Oh, you’re still here. You can’t take no for an answer. Ok then. During one of the baby-prep classes (less ‘how to prepare a baby’ and more ‘how to prepare for a baby’), we got a folder with the following handout:

Look. I’m not a particularly squeamish person, and I’ve done my share of things that defy common courtesy and basic social taboos. I mean, really basic social taboos. Many of these things involved alcohol, or being at a girlfriend’s parent’s house with less than adequate toilet facilities. I’m not proud of these things, friends. No, no. Not proud at all.

And yet, this handout has me all kinds of freaked out. I want to state here and now that all those funny ‘look there’s poop in your hair’ things that babied people think are high-larious (and that non-babied, civilized people think are batshit crazy), I am squarely on the side of the civilized. I don’t want to get a dog because I think it’s insane to walk behind the thing, picking up its shit. And now I’m going to be faced with ‘The poop turns green!?!’ ‘Poop can look seedy?’ Oh my god.

I know I love my wife, because the first reaction I got from her after I opened the folder, took out the handout, and kept waving it in front of her face, was a polite ‘um, yeah, please don’t ever put this handout in front of me again, or I will punch you in your ear.’ And the reaction I got from her best friend, with two kids, was ‘Jesus, that kid has giant balls.’

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7 Responses to “Oh shit”

  1. Ivy November 8, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    Does the fact that I’m completely unfazed by the photos above mean I’m a parent? Don’t worry, give yourself a year and you’ll be where I am too.

    And at the risk of oversharing, we never saw any watery, bloody, or orange/red pee. So I think if you can survive the chart, you can survive the actual child.

  2. Davin November 8, 2010 at 8:23 pm #

    Huh. I give you a few days of diapers, max, and you’ll be totally over this stuff. Show it to any parent and they’ll yawn. Or comment on genital size, I guess.

    Oh, and keep in mind that it doesn’t even smell bad at this point.

  3. Peter November 8, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

    You people are nuts. Nuts. Nuts.

  4. Kim November 10, 2010 at 3:44 pm #

    I third Ivy and Davin’s pledge that you’ll be more immune to your own kid’s waste production than you think. Chris thought I was wacko because at one point I told him, “I think Kai’s diapers smell like fresh baked bread.” And that, my friend, should make you very happy, being the baking czar you are. 😉 Love does crazy, crazy things to your olfactory senses, apparently. Until the kid starts solids. Then the love is trumped by the inescapable reality of strained peas.

  5. Peter November 11, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    For the record, I’ve never made shit-bread. I have deep, deep reservations about all of you people’s sanity, and my present self cannot imagine a future self that yawns over blow-out diapers.

  6. Anonymous November 23, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    I can’t believe they finally made this! I was telling my doc he needs to post poop photos on his website, because I can’t tell you how many trips to the doc I made with diaper in hand with weird poop! How many pages is the hand-out? You will need more photos.

  7. Peter November 23, 2010 at 10:37 pm #

    I can’t tell you how many trips to the doc I made with diaper in hand with weird poop!

    This is a staggering statement. I have been underestimating you, R.

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