Scary data points

4 Nov

1. Thirty-two weeks.

Man alive, that means some time in the next 6-8 weeks we’re going to have a baby.

We went to a childcare class on Tuesday night, 2 hours and 15 minutes from swaddle to toddle. Actually, the class was not nearly as anxiety-reducing as our first one. I think it’s quite possible that the preparation for having this baby (not having the baby, but you know, once the baby is had) are simply not in line with our current lifestyle. Sure, you’re saying to yourself, you guys are asshole DINKs, and your current lifestyle is selfishly playing video games and, you know, seeing movies and friends and stuff. But that’s not exactly what I mean.

For example: Baby teacher tells us that for the first weeks (and maybe months?) we should expect to be so completely frazzled. You see, says she, we really weren’t meant to have babies in apartment buildings and in places that are remote from our families. And in most of the world, and during most of history, we didn’t. So we’re not really totally equipped for asking for (and receiving) help.

Oh. Well, fuck you then lady. It’s like the fertility specialist who took every opportunity to casually remind me that women are really biologically meant to have kids when they are teenagers. I mean, maybe true. But how in the world does that information possibly help me in the slightest?

She goes on to say that we could organize a food schedule, for our friends, family, and neighbors to bring us food while the baby is a newborn. And better, they should drop off the food but not really visit (which would be a pain in the ass for new parents as well). Don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Now, generally, this is a great idea, and I did this for friends when I lived in Chicago. But seriously, what fucking city is this woman living in? I’d feel like such a jerk to have friends from Queens or CT actually make food, come into the city, drop it off, then not stick around. As I say, our current lifestyle is not conducive to this kind of baby-having.

2. Episiotomy.

Somehow, perineal tearing has emerged as one of my partner’s biggest physical concerns of the pregnancy (Yes, somehow. Like if there was a chance of tearing of my urinary meatus, I somehow might be a little concerned. That’s right. Urinary meatus). The OB’s response was, unbelievably, ‘if it makes you feel less anxious, almost all women have perineal tearing or episiotomies during their first pregnancy.’

This sure made me less anxious. But it didn’t do much for my wife. Apparently having an epidural decreases your chances of tearing, since the birth can be more easily controlled. Or else you have to have naturally flexible tissue. Or else you have to be able to be going through delivery without drugs, and then somehow ease up on the pushing at the moment that the baby’s head is coming through your vagina. I mean, come on. They call it the ring of fire, for god’s sake!

So yeah, less anxious in the sense that there is less uncertainty. But not less fearful.

3. Baby shower.

Actually, there is a scary vortex of activity this weekend. Friends coming from out of town. Mother-in-law in town. People coming over to our apartment for a baby shower. Dear colleague/friend in town for a job talk. College roommate’s big birthday celebration. All between Friday and Sunday. Plus the house needs cleaning, and the mondel bread ain’t going to cook itself.

On the upside, I made a big-ass tray of cinnamon rolls today. These. One tin was cooked as a test case, the others are now in the freezer, awaiting their moment in the sun. The frosting didn’t totally come out, but I think I can fix that. Tomorrow, mondel bread and cleaning, Friday strata. And big fat pitcher(s) of Bloody Mary’s.

Am I forgetting anything? Yes. Our lives are currently spinning around change and uncertainty, with careers and family and baby, the gravity of it all is making us freaked out and jubilant and concerned and strong and willful and on the verge of tears. Cut us a little slack, and we’ll try to cut ourselves some too.


5 Responses to “Scary data points”

  1. Davin November 4, 2010 at 12:41 pm #

    Heh. Now you’re talkin’.

    And I think I speak for Ms. Ivy when I say that we will be happy to occasionally make food, come to Brooklyn from Queens (which is just as much “the city”, thankyouverymuch), drop it off, and not stick around.

    We will, I must admit, probably chortle a little bit on the way home while considering the disarray befalling you guys.

  2. Peter November 4, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    Yeah, chortle away…

    This is actually the first time through the whole pregnancy that I’ve even been touched by teh worry, and it’s only because of the short time horizon of this weekend. But those cinnamon rolls can also be put away if the guests are bad.

  3. ethanmcc November 8, 2010 at 4:04 pm #

    We will bring you food and then buzz off happily. Add us to the food schedule!

  4. Peter November 9, 2010 at 5:02 am #

    The problem is, there are only two of you- it’s too much to ask. The food schedule is going to be Monday: Davin; Tues: Ethan; Wed-thurs: Davin; Fri: Ethan.

    Actually, if I can get on top of things, I may try to make a bunch of lasagnas or something and freeze them. Apparently my recently-babied colleague survived on 2 summer months of gazpacho soup.

  5. Anonymous November 23, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    2 words: Fresh Direct.

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