Baby-friendly living room

17 Sep

Future conversation with child-welfare police:


Officer Friendly: Wow, that’s a lovely coffee table. Is it new?
Me: Why yes, we got it from Crate & Barrel. Doesn’t it give our place the je ne sais quois every about-to-be-parents family needs?
Officer Friendly: Yes it does, and I really like the…wait, what’s with that latch? Does this table open up?
Me: Yes, it does. It’s ever-so-convenient for a space-strapped household like ours.

OF: Lovely! But, say, did you happen to notice this notice?
Me: Notice?
OF: “Lid is heavy and without interior release mechanism.”
Me: Hehe, like a trap. Funny, right, like a baby death trap? Funny?
OF: Hilarious. At least it’s…um, wait, what’s this?

Me: Well, you know, this particular Crate & Barrel chest is so awesome because it’s actually vintage! Right? Rustic, and unique, with all its quirky flaws and nooks.
OF: But aren’t those downward-exposed nails on the back lid?
Me: We like to think of them as ‘vintage coffee table-cicles’.
OF: Cute.

Officer Friendly’s partner, Office Child-Custody goes to take the baby. Officer Friendly laughs and laughs as she takes me away.

In the background, on my computer, hidden webcam hooked up by Park Slope Parent Squad pings, whistleblowers across the neighborhood high-five each other.

Meanwhile, Alphamom writes an impassioned blog post about how once little Johnny saw a nail, across the street at a work site, JUST SITTING OUT, EXPOSED. She caught the vapors, had to sit down and lecture Johnny on the dangers of all things pointy. And metal.

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5 Responses to “Baby-friendly living room”

  1. Davin September 17, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

    Multiple updates daily. This is more of what I had in mind when I bookmarked the site. Carry on.

    Ooh, and have you checked out the Busy Dad Blog for your blogroll? Busydadblog.com. Check out the entry where he includes footage of his amateur Muay Thai fight. That dude rules.

    Say, that reminds me: I love your blog so far, but you know what it needs? Footage of you in amateur Muay Thai fights, that’s what.

  2. Peter September 17, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

    Yeah, that dude seems to be located within multiple circles of the Venn Diagram of Dr. D’s interests.

    I think ‘amateur footage’ is out, unless I can get the partner to let me put up some videos we made while high/drunk on Peyote-laced Mezcal. Then I would get some respect, I bet.

  3. Davin September 17, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD THIS STORY???

    Plz post ASAP.

  4. Ethan September 22, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    That is the most awesome crib I’ve seen!

  5. Peter September 22, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    We could poke a few holes in it from the inside, and it’ll be like having our own little firefly jar. But instead of a jar, it’s a death trap. And instead of fireflies, it’s a baby!

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