You gotta have the drive

7 Sep

Here’s an argument we basically have every time we get into a car.

Wife (who drives, since we apparently needed to join Zipcar when we moved to Brooklyn, and now that she is the member and I’m not, I mostly just sit in the passenger/asshole/navigator seat): Hey look, isn’t this neighborhood interesting?
Me: Could we not talk about housing please? It makes the whole day less fun for me.
Wife: I was just saying that this park is beautiful…
Me: Oh, sorry.
Wife: …but do you mind if we take a quick detour that I already printed out directions to, on Google Maps, to maybe just take a look at one place, just to see if it’s nice, not that we need to look at housing today, but you know, if there’s an open house maybe we could stop by…
Me: Aren’t we already 2 1/2 hours late for meeting our friends?
Wife: Fine. Yes, I get it, I’m late, thanks for pointing out my failures again (turns up radio volume).

Me: We need to get in the right lane.
Wife (driving, looking at her mirror to see if that’s possible):
Me: (1 second later): RIGHT LANE! RIGHT LANE!
Wife (now rattled because I’m shouting at her): Um, yeah, didn’t want to get run over by a truc…
Me: GET IN THE LANE NOW!
Wife: Yeah, ok, right lane.
Me: Ok, now stay in the right lane for the next few exits, then look for exit 17.
Wife (turns up radio volume)

Me: Careful, there’s traffic ahead.
Wife: Yeah, I see it.
Me: SLOW! DOWN!
Wife: Oops, sorry.
Me: Could you please stop driving like a fucking moron? Or is that somehow hardwired into your DNA?
Wife (turns up radio volume)

Joy.

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5 Responses to “You gotta have the drive”

  1. Ivy September 8, 2010 at 10:36 pm #

    LMAO. So did Davin, who is sitting next to me.

  2. Davin September 8, 2010 at 10:42 pm #

    The best part is that you guys really don’t have anything to fight about these days… beyond your crotchety personality, ‘natch.

    Just wait until you have a little squiggler to simultaneously deprive you of sleep, stimulate your self-doubt, and frequently exacerbate differences of opinion and philosophy between you and Ms. E. Oh, and the stakes of raising said squiggler are REALLY REALLY HIGH. ALL THE TIME.

    Looking forward to reading your post-game carnage reports. Heh heh heh.
    (Ivy and I don’t post our disagreements in such an amusing format, sadly)

  3. Peter September 8, 2010 at 10:47 pm #

    Yes, you wisely keep your anger and resentment bottled up inside. Just keep pushing it down, what could possibly go wrong?

    Plus, we’re opting for a save-point baby. You know, the kind where you fuck up stuff, and then get to go back to the save points and try something else. If only life resembled video games..

  4. Davin September 8, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    Heh — is this the “Zelda” baby, where you get 3 save files? Or the “computer RPG” baby, where you reflexively save before every interaction and spoonful of strained carrots? Or the “Biohazard/Resident Evil” save baby, where you have valiantly explore new areas of parenting to discover new save files?

    BTW, if my wife is any indication, some significant portion of your readership just completely doesn’t understand this stuff at all. Just FYI.

  5. Peter September 8, 2010 at 11:12 pm #

    I think computer RPG baby sounds best to me. Plus we’ve already put in for the model that just eats strained carrots w/out problems.

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